Dangers in Second Guessing Your Kids

[Joshua Nichols]

As parents, we want to raise our children to be self-sufficient, decisive, confident adults.  There are many aspects of parenting that contributes to the outcome; the componant I'd like to discuss is How we talk to our children.  You  might be thinking, "Duh, we know that screaming and yelling and belittling our chldren is emotionally damaging."  This is true, however, I'm talking about something more subtle; something more accepted; something we've all done.

 

Have you ever given your child a decision and when they make it, you ask, "Are you sure?" Or have they ever said they want something and you say to them, "Ah, you don't want that."  These are common phrases used among parents across the world.  How could they be harmful?  Afterall, we are their parents; we know what is best for them.

 

As parents we need to be extra careful about doing or saying things that influences our children to second guess themselves, even if we think we know better.  Obviously we need to protect our children from life's dangers, but as long as our kids aren't in danger, we need to allow them to make decisions and let them see those decisions through.  If it doesn't work out for them, then lesson learned. If it does, then it is a victory. Either way,THEY GET TO OWN IT!  This is how they build confidence, especially as they experience more and more successes.

 

What are your thoughts on this matter?

[James Nored]

Josh, Becki is sitting here, and I told about how you have started writing on MON and that you were good writer with good thoughts.

I understand the thinking that you outline here. I can see this type of thing being done with helicopter parents, who want to make their kids be who they want them to be. Of course, spiritual shaping is different--we should be very proactive (while still giving them space to grow spiritually). But dictating a kid's life is not good.

I wonder, how do you fit this into families that are already "child-centered"?