Having the "Sex Talk" with Your Children

[James Nored]

 

I have two daughters, Gina (age 9) and Emily (age 6). I continue to hear that kids need to have the "sex talk" a lot earlier these days. I ran across an article today "Having the Sex Talk with Your Children." Here is what the author suggests:

Start Early - The key here is that you want to be the primary and first source of information for your child. The old saying is true, “If you don’t tell them, someone else will.” You want to make sure they are getting the correct information about sex. With the oldest it was about 10 years of age, but with the youngest it was about 8 years. It will depend on their surroundings at school, the dialogues they are having with you and others, and their maturity level at the time.

Share in Stages – A four-year-old needs to know that there are boys and there are girls and they are each different, but that’s about it at that age. Share information based on the child’s interest, maturity and ability to understand. I don’t believe one “talk” will be enough for most children. Make sure children feel freedom to discuss anything with you as they have concerns or questions.

Answer questions – If your child is willing to ask a question it is because they want an answer. Many parents make the mistake of telling children they “don’t need to know yet”. There are no bad questions. Again, they will search for an answer and the wrong ones are the easiest to find.

Teach according to truth, not culture – The fact is that today’s culture is mostly wrong about the issue of sex. Culture has tried to redefine what sex is and the purposes and values of sex. Sex is not to be seen as dirty, cheap, or easy. Don’t be afraid to teach your children to be different from everyone else in culture. Help them understand the healthy role sex can play in building a strong marriage. Help them also understand that in the right context, sex is a wonderful gift from God. (It’s okay for them to look forward to something…even sex!)

Deal with the emotional as well as physical – Our children should understand the emotional aspect of sex and the damage, which can be caused by sexual activity, as much as they should understand the physical aspects. The emotional pain caused by early sexual experiences is usually the most damaging aspect later in life.

Get help – There are plenty of resources on teaching children the Biblical perspective on sex. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is another great reason to have a mentoring couple in your life!

– There are plenty of resources on teaching children the Biblical perspective on sex. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is another great reason to have a mentoring couple in your life!

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So, I want to ask our resident family expert, Josh Nichols, as well as all the rest of you--what do you think of these suggests? Also, when should we have the "sex talk" with our kids? Thank you!

[Joshua Nichols]

FYI James: The article came up black for me. I had to highlight it to read it.

I thought the article had really good suggestions. I especially like the part about focusing on the positive aspects of sex as well as the emotional componants. David Schnarch, a sex therapy expert, says that our sexual prime actually occurs later in life because of the emotional growth involved. Also, in the church, we tend to tell our teens to wait to have sex until they are married. In other words, premarital sex is wrong.....you're NOT supposed to do it! This is true, however, it should not be our focus. We need to be communicating to our children that sex is something beautiful and awesome and a GIFT FROM GOD! But it is to be experienced in the context of marriage. And sex gets better as the marriage develops. A lot of times, teens feel like if they don't have sex while young, they'll miss out on the best sex of their lives. This is a NOT true.

I have two thoughts about why children feel "weird" when parents discuss sex. (1) Someone else beat you to the punch; probably one of their friends (which means they were probably misinformed). Our children really need to learn about sex first from their parents for a couple reasons. One, so they get the right information. And, secondly, so they it doesn't become a taboo topic. If we do as the article suggests and have the "sex talk" in stages, it won't be so uncomfortable for our children. (2) Your own anxiety get in the way. You children are radars for your anxiety. If you feel "wierd" or uncomfortable, your children will pick up on this; thus, you send them the wrong message when it comes to something so beautiful. Although we should maintain certain boundaries when discussiong sex, it should never be a taboo topic. If you show discomfort with the issue of sex, your children will quickly learn that you can't handle this very intriguing topic; therefore, they will seek to have their curiousity fulfilled elsewhere. It is imperative that you provide them a safe enviroment to discuss their questions and concerns regarding sex; this requires you to keep your anxiety at bay.

As far as "how soon" do we discuss sex with our children, I have the same recommendation as the article. Take it in stages. Tell your children little by little. Let your children guide you. Entertain their questions. Ask them questions in return. Don't ignore signs that they are getting interested (e.g., making their dolls kiss). There are some great books out there that can help you. You'll just have to research them and make an executive decision on how appropriate they are for the age of your children. Keep in mind, you want to teach your kids about sex before their friends do....so, don't wait to long. I will finish this long response with a joke I heard:

A young child came to his father and said, "Daddy, what is sex?" Dad's eyes grew to size of baseballs. He was totally unprepared for this question. But regardless of his surprize, he sat his son down and answered his son's question in as much detail as possible. When he had finished, he noticed that now his son's eyes had grown to size of baseballs. The look on his son's face made him wonder what spurred his son to ask this question in the first place. Thus, the dad said, "How come you wanted to know?" at which the son replied, "Because Mom told me dinner would be done in a few secs."

Good luck!

[James Nored]

Great response, Josh, with some good things to think about. You say that our kids' questions should guide us to the level of answers that we give. I absolutely get that with my kids. In fact, I can remember asking my dad when I was very young about where babies come from. He gave me a very long, detailed, scientific explanation. I remember thinking, "That can't be right!" The answer did not fit my level of questioning and understanding.

As you say, we do not want to avoid the subject or get anxious about it, or our kids may think that it is a taboo subject. That is, in fact, very much related to the post I just made on Christians and sex.

I know that many want an age about when to talk to their kids in detail, at least, about sex. Any thoughts on this? Also, you mention some resources--do you have any to recommend? Thanks!

[Joshua Nichols]

I would say somewhere around 3rd or 4th grade, maybe a little earlier, maybe later depending on the child. Also, here are the books I think are interesting. Remember, parents will need to decide for self if they are appropriate: A touching book—by Jan Hindman and Where Did I come from?—by Peter Mayle

James Nored said:

Great response, Josh, with some good things to think about. You say that our kids' questions should guide us to the level of answers that we give. I absolutely get that with my kids. In fact, I can remember asking my dad when I was very young about where babies come from. He gave me a very long, detailed, scientific explanation. I remember thinking, "That can't be right!" The answer did not fit my level of questioning and understanding.

As you say, we do not want to avoid the subject or get anxious about it, or our kids may think that it is a taboo subject. That is, in fact, very much related to the post I just made on Christians and sex.

I know that many want an age about when to talk to their kids in detail, at least, about sex. Any thoughts on this? Also, you mention some resources--do you have any to recommend? Thanks!