Offering Support in Times of Family Crises

[Joshua Nichols]

One of the topics presented to me was along these lines: How do we support someone whose marriage is falling apart?  The first thing I would suggest is to focus briefly on you.  Think about what feelings are being generated within you due to this issue.  Helplessness might be the most common one experienced here.  It is very tempting, but you don't want to react to your feelings of helplessness. This often takes the form of trying to "fix it" in some way.  For example, giving unwanted advice or suggestions ("What if you tried [this] or [that]?").  When we do this, we are making the problem about us.  So in response to your feelings of helplessness, don't take the role of a marriage counselor, but encourage professional help instead. Chances are they are not coming to you for counsel, but for SUPPORT, which are two very different concepts.  Next, determine if you are there to support the couple or an individual (i.e., only part of the couple)? Then, try to determine what role you you can best serve this couple/person in.  You could even ask, how can I help?  Listen to them; take interest in their story. You need to be there for them in the ways they need you.  This doesn't mean you have to compromise your own values and beliefs.  It is okay to let them know where you stand on the issue of divorce, but be gentle and subtle. If there is one thing I hope you take away from this post is the following: Whatever you do, communicate to them that (1) (Awareness) You can see that what they are going through is extremely difficult and (2) you can handle it, and (3) you are available to them if they need you.  But let the decision to access your support be their decision. Don't force it upon them.  I could keep rambling, but I am interested in your thoughts,

[James Nored]

Josh, how do you know when to refer someone for professional help? What role does biblical counseling play in this? What issues can be solved with biblical counseling alone?

[Joshua Nichols]

Question 1: How do you wknow when to refer someone for professional help? If you know someone is in a bad situation and has been for a while, it might be time for them to seek professional help. But, you might not want to make that recommendation right off the bat. You might actually be in a place where your encouragement and support is all they need to get back on track. Once you realize, after some time has passed, that things aren't getting better, it might be time for you to have them seek professional help. With marriages, if you see there is pattern of conflict and turmoil, then it is probably time for the couple to see a marriage counselor. So many times couples walk through my door with their marriages hanging on by a thread. We don't want that either. Suggesting someone for therapy is not an easy thing to do because we don't want to upset our friends and family. But, sometimes the most caring gestures breeds confrontation in the beginning. You might ask, "What if they get upset with me and our relationship is damaged?" This might happen. It's definately a risk. But ask yourself this, "What if my efforts and encouragement is what they need to make the change?"

Question 2: What role does biblical counseling play? I will use the Scriptures in my practice if I believe my clients are comfortable doing so. The Scriptures are powerful and life-changing, no doubt; thus, having someone skilled at presenting the message in such a way that gets you thinking differently is such a blessing. James, you are good at that and our good friend, Chuck Monan is someone else that comes to mind. However, ministers and friends are often too connected to the situation. There is something magical about objectivity. Going to see someone that isn't emotionally connected to the situation is therapeutic in itself. What I have found is that most people seeking Christian counseling for whatever issue is also struggling in their walk with God. So, I take a team approach. I typically will get a release to talk with their minister and then I will give my clients homework that usually involves them working with their minister in some capacity. The theory is that my skills lie in helping them with behavioral, relational, and mental lives, whereas, their minister or preacher is skilled at helping them with their Spiritual life. A team approach, I believe, will be the most effective. Ministers need to adhere to confidentiality guidelines for it to be effective though. If the struggling person doesn't trust you, then your efforts will be futile.

Question 3: What issues can be solved with biblical counseling alone? As I said before, you can't underestimate the power of the Scriptures. So, I believe that ANY issue can be solved, but I believe that chances are greater if everyone sticks to their own skillset.

Did I answer your questions, James? If not, let me know where I need to elaborate more. Great questions by the way! What are your thoughts on these matters?
James Nored said:

Josh, how do you know when to refer someone for professional help? What role does biblical counseling play in this? What issues can be solved with biblical counseling alone?

[James Nored]

Josh, great answers. We are very much in agreement on all of this.

I think that it is good for people to know the role and value of professional help, and how that fits into biblical counseling. It is great that you involve the local minister.