The Blessing of a Strong-Willed Child

[Joshua Nichols]

So when did having a strong will become such a bad things?  The term "strong-willed child" has taken on a negative connotation.  But isn't a strong will exactly what we hope our children will have?  Afterall, it is our strong will that helps us perservere.  It is our strong will that helps us pull ourselves up by our bootstraps after taking a bad fall.  It is our strong will that often keeps us on a path of righteousness. 

 

So what is it about having a "strong-willed child" that makes parenting so difficult? Most of the time it is because we want them to bend to our will.  Hal Runkel, author of ScreamFree Parenting, alludes that strong-willed children often have strong-willed parents because the frustrating componant stems from the battle of wills.  We, as parents, don't want to lose the battle.  But here's a very important question - Why should our children settle for losing? 

 

This is a difficult issue to tackle, so I hope to just give you some tips to get your started in resolving this dilemma.  However, if you feel you have tried everything and nothing works, then, I urge you to seek help from an expert to get a professional and objective opinion. 

 

The answer to this dilemma is definately easier said than done. But allow me to say it anyway, "DON'T BATTLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN!"  In other words, structure you interaction to avoid power struggles.  Children are experts at playing the power struggle game.  If they succeed in getting you to engage in a power struggle, then you have already lost.  Children don't have much control over anything, but they desire it as much as adults do.  Therefore, as parents, we need to make sure that we give them a little control.  Here are some tips to avoid power struggles:

1. Give choices.  For example: Do you want to wear your red coat or blue coat?  If you don't choose, then I'll assume you want your blue coat.  (Notice that you don't give a choice of whether or not to wear a coat.  Not wearing a coat is not an option.  You decide the options, but they make the choice.)
2. Embrace "No."  Many parents hate it when their children tell them "no."  We don't want to break them of this.  Is this not a skill you want them to have when they are teenagers faced with difficult decisions?  Therefore, work at redirecting them if they are saying "no" out of disobedience.  You may discipline, but discipline the disobedience, not the fact they said "no."  Don't say, for example, "You don't tell Mommy 'no'. Go sit in timeout."
3. Stay Calm; Stay Connected. When you recognize the potential for a power struggle, make a decision that you will not engage in warlike behavior with your child, but stay calm and connected instead. Whatever behavior your choose, make sure it reflects that of a grown-up. In other words, make sure you are behaving more maturely than your child.
4. Opt for a Win-Win Scenerio.  As the adult, try to figure out how both you and your child can come out a winner.  Allow your child to negotiate, which is very empowering for your child.  There is no harm in that, afterall, you have the final decision.  Avoid the "My way or the hi-way" approach.  Be flexible.

I hope these tips will be helpful for you.  Please let me know of any suggestions you may have that have proven successful for you and your family.  As usual, any other comments or thoughts are welcomed.

[James Nored]

Josh,

Thanks for the tips! Becki learned the "give choices" trick many years ago. It really does help.

I recently heard an interesting analogy between parent-child and God-human relationships. This person said that though God does want us to follow him, he does not stand over our shoulders all the time, trying to eliminate even the possibility of us doing wrong. In the same way, we need to give a certain amount of space to our kids where we can.

What do you think of this analogy?

[Joshua Nichols]

I totally agree, James. Parents have to give their kids room to grow as God does for us. He is always present and available, but we have to learn to ask for help. He doesn't force Himself upon us like we do as parents some times. In my parenting seminar, The R.I.S.K.S. of Parenting, the "K" is Keeping the Faith. Mainly what I address here is as parents give their kids room to grow, which becomes more and more as they get older, parents have to trust in God and self that they have provided kids have the tools to make good decisions with their space. And when they make bad decisions, they'll know how to recover. Now this doesn't mean you let your 15 yr old sail around the world by herself. Parents still need to stay in proximity of their children if and when their kids decide to utilize them. This looks different for the different stages of development, but it is a very scary thing for parents do nonetheless.

Thanks for you comments and that good analogy.

James Nored said:

Josh,

Thanks for the tips! Becki learned the "give choices" trick many years ago. It really does help.

I recently heard an interesting analogy between parent-child and God-human relationships. This person said that though God does want us to follow him, he does not stand over our shoulders all the time, trying to eliminate even the possibility of us doing wrong. In the same way, we need to give a certain amount of space to our kids where we can.

What do you think of this analogy?