The Five Love Languages

[James Nored]

The 5 Love Languages™ by Gary Chapman

One of the most helpful things for a couple to discover is each other's love languages. That is, they need to find out what sounds and feels like love to their spouse. Usually, we express love to others in the love language that resonates with us. This may or may not be the love language of our spouse, which creates frustration all around. We feel like they are not appreciating our love expressions, and they still feel unloved. 

Here are the five different love languages as defined by Gary Chapman. These words below are taken from the 5 Love Languages website.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

What experience do you have in love languages? What is your love language and that of your spouse?

[Joshua Nichols]

This is a book that couples often bring up in counseling and that I recommend as a good read. It is important to attempt to express love in ways that registers with the person in receipt of that love. However, I have 3 suggestions on this matter. First, don't mindread. In other words, don't assume you know what your spouse likes. Only your spouse can tell you this for certain, so don't be afraid to ask. Secondly, don't assume mindreading. Remember that your spouse is not psychic. Your wants and desires are actually relationship componants that you should discuss with your spouse and not expect them to "just know." And last, don't downplay. Sometimes what your spouse's love language looks like might not make sense to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. As long as it isn't a compromise of your integrity or values, you need to show your spouse love in ways they desire....in ways that makes sense to them. You don't have to fully understand. All you have to know is that it is important to this person whom you love deeply. Thanks again for sharing, James.

[Greg Ziegler]

Three or four years ago, I led a small couples study using Gary Chapman's book.  It was a lot of fuel for thought, and profitable. The difficulty I find with some of the therapeutic methodologies is that they sound great at the time, but I am slow in some of my perceptions. It takes me awhile to consider implications and ramifications and strengths and weaknesses.  Even then, I realize to some likely large degree, that I am limited by my own experiences and understanding.  I thought the book was excellent.  I still do.  I just think it left us wanting.  

I am convinced that to make a marriage work takes two people.  If only one is making the effort, the relationship can survive for some time...but the horizon is not promising.  Chapman stresses learning your spouse's love language, and then learning to communicate to her/him in that language.  But without a reciprocal effort at some point, the relationship is severely limited.  If my wife's native language was French, but she was bilingual and had picked up English...and I spoke native Spanish, but had also picked up English, and we initially developed our relationship in English...I'm not sure my learning French and her learning Spanish would clear everything up.

It would help, no doubt.  But she would likely be left wishing I could understand her French heart.  (doesn't this seem like a ridiculous illustration?!)  ...and visa versa.  Somehow, we've got to communicate to one another in ways that are meaningful not only to each of us, personally, but to both of us.

This is probably as clear as mud...but I walked away from the study feeling like I had received half of what I had hoped for.  And yet, half was something.

[Joshua Nichols]

Hey Greg.  This is an excellent point.  In my counseling practice, the 5 love languages is often brought up in marriage counseling, either by me or by my clients.  I believe the content of the book is most effective if both parties in the marital relationship are actively applying it.  But what if only one person wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn't necessarily want a divorce, but is sort of checked out and withdrawn (which is only a matter of time before the D word is brought up)?  When couples get to my office for marriage counseling, they typically have forgotten how to make themselves vulnerable to each other, which is a requirement for a healthy marriage.  They have become resentful, bitter, defensive, withdrawn, or a combination.  Usually at one point in therapy, the couple understands that they don't make themselves vulnerable anymore because they don't feel safe; thus, becoming vulnerable again is a risk.  But even in the couple relationship SOMEONE HAS TO GO FIRST.  Someone has to take the risk.  The hope is that both will take the risk as some point, but we cannot control the other.  So, HOW DOES THE APPLY TO YOUR POINT?  In a marriage, it our responsibility to make ourselve vulnerable to our spouse, despite what they do in return.  Making decisions on how we are going to behave based on how we THINK someone else might react to that behavior is not a good reason to do or not do something.  We have to make our decisions based on what we feel is the right thing to do.  And making ourselves vulnerable to our spouse IS the RIGHT thing to do.  Chapman, in his book, shows us one way we can do that - learning our spouse's love language and showing them love in those ways - the ways the resignate with them.  That, once again, is the right thing to do.  However, we cannot control our spouses, so we can only hope it will make a difference and they will in turn become vulnerable in the marriage as well.  But if they don't we should not give up.  Chances are you will take a few blows before they realize you're not "up to anything sneaky."  However, we cannot ignore the fact that marriage is a give and take relationship; therefore, if vulnerability is not reciprocated over a lengthy period of time, the question becomes, "How much can I take before I harden myself again (i.e., making self not vulnerable)?" 

 

Great thoughts though.  Again, I agree, if a couple can study the book together the better chances of it being effective.  However, it teaches an important lesson on vulnerability, which is exactly what Jesus did for us.  His vulnerability was the right thing do, but some still don't get it.  And every time He loses one to Satan, it is like hammering another nail in his body. 

 

Take care.

[James Nored]

Excellent points here, Josh. I often tell couples someone has to go first and that you can't control the other person. You can only do what God calls you to do and acts as he calls you to act. And it may be that that helps the other person be more the person that God calls them to be.

Joshua Nichols said:

Hey Greg.  This is an excellent point.  In my counseling practice, the 5 love languages is often brought up in marriage counseling, either by me or by my clients.  I believe the content of the book is most effective if both parties in the marital relationship are actively applying it.  But what if only one person wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn't necessarily want a divorce, but is sort of checked out and withdrawn (which is only a matter of time before the D word is brought up)?  When couples get to my office for marriage counseling, they typically have forgotten how to make themselves vulnerable to each other, which is a requirement for a healthy marriage.  They have become resentful, bitter, defensive, withdrawn, or a combination.  Usually at one point in therapy, the couple understands that they don't make themselves vulnerable anymore because they don't feel safe; thus, becoming vulnerable again is a risk.  But even in the couple relationship SOMEONE HAS TO GO FIRST.  Someone has to take the risk.  The hope is that both will take the risk as some point, but we cannot control the other.  So, HOW DOES THE APPLY TO YOUR POINT?  In a marriage, it our responsibility to make ourselve vulnerable to our spouse, despite what they do in return.  Making decisions on how we are going to behave based on how we THINK someone else might react to that behavior is not a good reason to do or not do something.  We have to make our decisions based on what we feel is the right thing to do.  And making ourselves vulnerable to our spouse IS the RIGHT thing to do.  Chapman, in his book, shows us one way we can do that - learning our spouse's love language and showing them love in those ways - the ways the resignate with them.  That, once again, is the right thing to do.  However, we cannot control our spouses, so we can only hope it will make a difference and they will in turn become vulnerable in the marriage as well.  But if they don't we should not give up.  Chances are you will take a few blows before they realize you're not "up to anything sneaky."  However, we cannot ignore the fact that marriage is a give and take relationship; therefore, if vulnerability is not reciprocated over a lengthy period of time, the question becomes, "How much can I take before I harden myself again (i.e., making self not vulnerable)?" 

 

Great thoughts though.  Again, I agree, if a couple can study the book together the better chances of it being effective.  However, it teaches an important lesson on vulnerability, which is exactly what Jesus did for us.  His vulnerability was the right thing do, but some still don't get it.  And every time He loses one to Satan, it is like hammering another nail in his body. 

 

Take care.