The Intentional Marriage

[Joshua Nichols]

I recently heard the following story:

 

A young couple, recently married, decided to spend some quality time together by going for a stroll one fall evening in their neighborhood.  The young husband threw on some gray jogging pants and a long-sleeved shirt.  He happened to finish dressing in his walking attire a little before his bride.  He said, "Hey Babe.  I'm all ready to go, so I think I'll go outside and stretch.  I'll meet you out there."  As he stepped outside, he noticed it was a bit chilly.  It wasn't overly cold, but the wind added just enough of a sting to make one wish they had on a jacket.  So he rushed back in to get his jacket; 30 seconds and he was back outside stretching.  Meanwhile, his lovely new wife finished putting on her walking clothes and joined him outside and they began their stroll.  After a good 10 minutes into their walk, the young husband noticed his wife was rubbing her arms somewhat fierce - she was cold.  He didn't notice when she came out that she did not have on her jacket.  So, calmly and very gentleman-like, the young husband unzipped his jacket, took it off, threw it around his bride and said, "You must be freezing.  Please wear mine.  Don't worry, I'll be fine."  She smiled in appreciation and love and they continued with their walk.

 

Thirty-five years and three grown kids later, the couple found themselves going out for an evening stroll yet again.  The husband, once again, made it outside before his bride.  Coincidentally, the weather that evening was quite similar to the walk they took 35 years ago.  It was a fall evening and the wind blew just hard enough to inflict a stinging sensation on the skin.  But, yet again, this didn't stop the couple from going on their walk.  Because of the stinging wind, the husband made sure he had on a jacket to protect his bare arms.  Soon enough, his wife came out of the house in a rush ready to get on with the walk.  As she made it to her husband, he noticed she did not have on a jacket.  He gently grabbed her hand.  She turned toward him confused by the hold up.  He tenderly placed both hands on her shoulders as if he were about to rub her cold bare arms.  Then he spoke these words, "WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?"

 

What happens in a marriage that we just quit trying as hard?  One of the most common goals set by couples in marriage counseling from my experience is "To grow closer to one another."  Romance and intimacy, two very important aspects of a healthy marriage, seems to have faded over time for many of these couples.

 

In marriage, there is a strong temptation to get lazy, especially for highly committed couples.  Afterall, we said our "I do's," the rings are in place, and we know we are in it for the long haul.  What more does the relationship need?  This is a very dangerous mentality.  It reminds  me of the story we've all heard of the wife complaining to her husband that "he never tells me he loves me."  And his response is......."I told you I loved you when we got married.  If it ever changes, I'll let you know."  Yes, a funny story to tell, but that mentality kills marriages. 

 

We need to make our marriages intentional. "What does that mean?" you might ask.  Well, simply stated, it means that every morning when you wake up, you intend to behave in such a way that will nourish and strengthen your relationship with your spouse.  This can sometimes be fun as you plan enjoyable activities or attempt to be spontaneous.  This can also be difficult as you make sure you are discussing problematic issues (e.g., hurt feelings, finances, etc.).  Regardless of whether or not being intentional means fun or difficulty for your marriage, it nearly always means WORK.  You've heard the quote, "Marriage is work."  Well, this is the work portion. 

 

I'm interested in your thoughts regarding what an "Intentional Marriage" means to you.  Also, men, please take a look at this article that was published in MetroFamily Magazine out of OKC (I was interviewed in it).  It has some great tips for making your marriage intentional.  Women, this magazine will have an article published just for you come June 2010.  I will post it when it comes out in a few days.  Again....your thoughts are appreciated.