Should we let "Telling the Truth in Love" Be an Excuse for Being a Jerk?

[James Nored]

Anytime I hear someone talk about "telling the truth in love," I know that that there will be a lot of no bars held blasting of someone with little actual love or kindness. It is much like the phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin" (which only seems to be applied to homosexuality, for some reasons)--the end result is the person ends up feeling hated and has very little sense of love.

"Telling the truth in love" as commonly interpreted and practiced seems to be based upon the belief that truth is, by its nature, going to be cutting, and that is okay. It will be tempered with "love."

But truth can and ought to be uplifting, encouraging, even beautiful. Current uses of the phrase imply that you have to have some love to make up for truth, because that truth is going to be hard and hurting.

And so, people use this "telling the truth in love" as an excuse to say whatever they think is "true," whether or not what they say is hurtful, is well or ill timed, or even needs to be said at all. 

The primary expression of truth ought to be positive, and well, loving. Paul said this:

"25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor . . . 

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen . . . 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph. 4:25-32).

Your spouse may have gained 5 pounds. But is that really the "truth" he or she needs to hear at the moment? Your friend may have a habit that particularly annoys you--but is telling him or her this "truth" truly beneficial for him--or just something that makes you feel better. Your church leader may not be the best at everything, but is pointing out his or her flaws really the best use of your words and interaction with that person--or should you instead thank him or her for what he or she does well and dwell on these things?

Some "truths" are better left unsaid. That, many times, would be the loving thing to do. "29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs," Frankly, many "truths" that are spoken seem to be done for the benefit of the one speaking, to prove their rightness, their relative superiority, what they know or do well that the other person doesn't. And that is neither kind nor loving.

Jesus is the greatest "truth" that ever lived. And I don't think that his "truth" needed to be wrapped in love in order for his truth to be loving. May our truth truly be loving, well timed--and many times, left unsaid, if it only tears down and does not build up.

[Darryl Willis]

Thanks for a great post. I think kindness is at the heart of truth telling. Paul's description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is not a description of God's love (well it is, but not Paul's point)--it's a description of the kind of love we must show to one another. So we ask before we speak truth: "Does it demonstrate patience? Is it kind? Is it self-seeking? Is it rude?"

I think most often I speak "truth" in a very selfish way. As in "you need to hear this because it justifies my anger or my self-righteousness" or "you need to hear this because it will make me feel as if I did the right thing"--as opposed to: "I only want to find a way to build you up and bring you one step closer to God."

Perhaps we first need to speak truth to ourselves before we seek to "speak the truth in love." Isn't that the point of Paul's words in Galatians 6: "if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."

It might be a good exercise to look up in the NT how many times the word "gently" or "gentle" appears in relationship to how we treat others.

I think Joy Rousseau hit the nail on the head. If I have not been a nurturer of someone I should be very careful about rebuking.

Perhaps this is why many Elderships have such difficulties when rebuking their "flock". A group of say, six men, cannot be personal nurturers of 600 people. So when they have to confront someone, it is probably not someone they have a deep, close relationship with (I'm speaking very generically here, and I know this isn't true of all elders or situations).

John Watson aka Ian MacLaren said Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle (wrongly attributed to Plato). It's not Bible, but it expresses biblical truth.

Speaking the truth in love should never be easy--it should be approached in fear and trembling because you hold in your hands and in the power of your words, the precious heart of one of God's children.

[Jerri Harrington]

When I was young and didn't yet know what I didn't know, I used to speak the truth in love a lot. I quoted scripture out of context and made judgments that I had no right to make. I have lived to regret every single time I did that. Every time in my life that I spoke from a "lofty" position, I failed to give God His rightful place there. We truly are just one beggar showing another beggar where to go to find the Bread of Life.

[Joy Rousseau]

Too many times we are afraid to speak wisdom to those who need to hear spiritual guidance. My rule of thumb comes from Scripture. "Bring up your children in the NURTURE and ADMONITION of The Lord." Here's the deal....if you have have never nurtured someone spiritually, then it is NOT your place to admonish them. However, if you are their mentor in The Lord, their spiritual "parent" as Paul often spoke about his "children" in The Lord, then you are the very person who should speak lovingly and nurturingly to that person. If you have a loving relationship with the person because of time and relationship invested in their spiritual growth, then they will know that you are speaking to bring them closer to the Image of Christ.

I have such relationships with those I have nurtured in the Lord's body. But I would not dream of rebuking or correcting one I did not have that kind of relationship with. Secondly, it is very important to not shy away from being honest with those you do have those kinds of relationships with. I wish more elders actually nurtured brethren so that they were well equipped to mentor and admonish those in need of correction.

[James D. Bartlett]

In know wether to say something or not, ask the Holy spirit/Ghost for His leadership in the matter and if so the best way to tell what needs to be told and at the right time and place. It is true Truth and Love does hurt at times, but not alrways and many tiomes not as bad if the holy Spirit/Ghost had been in Charge instead of you/me.