Strengthening Marriages - Why Marriage is for Better or for Worse

[James Nored]

As a minister, I have performed a number of weddings. And whenever marrying someone, we have to discuss what type of wedding vows they will make--traditional, an updated variation, or something they or someone else has written. All can be great (Becki and I had my older cousin and longtime minister help us write our vows). There is, however, something quite profound about the traditional wedding vows. Here are these vows:

 

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

 

These vows make clear several things:

• Marriage is an exclusive relationship from "this day forward"--from the day of the marriage on. Many variations of the traditional wedding vows includes the phrase "forsaking all others." 
• Marriage is a covenant based upon a mutual commitment, regardless of the circumstances of life. 
• Marriage is a lifelong covenant--until "death do us part."
• Marriage is a mutual loving and cherishing of the other person.

Few things are messing up our society--and our families--more than attitudes and behaviors towards marriage and sexuality today. My generation was the first generation of children to experience a massive wave of their parents' divorcing. My heart goes out to all those who have gone through divorce. It leaves a string of brokenness in spouses and children that as a church we need to seek to try to heal. There are whole websites devoted to cheating in marriages, and some psychologists even advocate "spicing up a marriage" with an affair.  

 

Younger people, having experienced their parents' divorces, are waiting longer and longer to get married, with cohabitation before marriage now quite common (despite research that affirms that those who cohabit before marriage have much higher chances for divorce. Recently, a string of movies has come out reflecting a sad trend of sex with "no strings attached" and "friends with benefits" relationships. God intended marriage in a loving, lifelong relationship, and these sexual encounters outside of this relationship leaves a string of broken, hurt, and confused young people.

 

Believe it or not, however, the rate of divorce in the US in the early 1860 was 1 out of 1000. source: see Family Ministry by Charles M. Sell, p. 42 Shocking, isn't it--and how very different from societal attitudes today towards marriages. Our world today says, it is all about you. If you are not getting what you want out of your marriage--if it is a drain or a chore, if you no longer feel "in love," if it is difficult, then get out. How different are the vows to stay in a marriage "for better or for worse, for rich or for poor, in sickness or in health."

 

Just this past week a Pat Robertson, a famous televangelist, caused quite a shock in the religious world when he said that it was okay to divorce your spouse if he or she had Alzheimer's Disease. Click here for the story. We have politicians who divorce their spouse when they come down with cancer, leaving them to suffer on their own, and then speak of God and family values. Our world says that marriage and fidelity is conditional based upon whether or not the relationship still benefits me. If we have to sacrifice, or if the relationship gets in the way of our self-actualization, we can abandon it. In fact, our world would say, we have a moral obligation to do so, for there is no higher moral than our own self-benefit.

 

Jesus addresses this attitude towards marriage in Matthew 19:

 ³ Some Pharisees came to him to test [Jesus]. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

   ⁴ “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ⁶ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Mt. 19:3-6).

Marriage is indeed "for better or for worse." And I for one an so glad that I am married to my wife Becki, a wonderful woman who shares this commitment to marriage, me, and to God. I'm glad to know that if I get cancer, or were paralyzed, or simply failed to be as selfless as I ought to be, that she has vowed to stay with me. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. This is the kind of commitment that God has towards us. Let us extend this selfless love to our marriages and all of our family relationships, and so strengthen individuals and families.

 

What do you think are the causes of such casual attitudes toward marriage and fidelity today? What is the solution?

 

[James Nored]

Here is an article on 7 Reasons to Stay Married. Warning, there is some language in this article. But it gives a compelling perspective from someone who is divorced. If you are thinking about divorce, this article could make you think again.

[James Nored]

Timothy, you say that the church has a missional opportunity to address the subject of sex in society today. I agree. This is a huge area of brokenness for the world, but God's plan for sex and marriage can show the world how to maximize these gifts and avoid heartache.

[Timothy Tien]

I'm not sure today is that different from the days of Rahab or Tamar or (fill in the blank)_______, a prominent evangelical leader who resigned after admitting _______.

 

I know that I constantly wrestle with my cortex, which seems to be constantly scanning for healthy looking mates.  While God may have designed and intended my cortex for good, I often fall short because of it.  General selfishness, moments of carelessness, not feeling respected by my wife, or chasing an illusion of control, all "reasons".  I don't think any of these problems are just today's; they are antediluvian.

 

Certainly, the shame of an age where a legalistic church was more influential in society, that has dissipated.  The good news is that should make the redemptive Church shine even more brightly by comparison, right?  I think that the church has a missional opportunity in addressing the subject of sex in society today, which is more informed by scientism than scripture.  For example, I find highly educated folks clinging bitterly to their politically correct ideologies (e.g. feminism in education) without reconciling with the science they claim (darwinian sexual selection). 

 

Once their eyes are opened to true science, through conversations of grace and wisdom, they can be opened more to Truth as well.